Nick's Six: February, the worst month EVER

While sitting on my couch (OK, my mother's couch) this morning and eating Honey Nut Cheerios, I realized something about this little (no really, it's pretty brief) month they call February.

It sucks.

Honestly, what have we got to look forward to in February? If anyone just said, "the Pro Bowl," I will personally force you to watch every Pro Bowl until you realize why it should be banned. Aside from football's February farse, here are six other sporting "events" that allow more time for me to be whipped in to a March Madness frenzy.

Disclaimer: If the Stimulus Bill happened every February, it would be No. 1 on this list. Also, in keeping with the sports theme, I could not include the Oscars, and Valentine's Day...But I digress.

1. The NFL COMBINE: Until MTV's "Bromance" (were you really expecting a link to that? come on) came out this winter, there was no rival programming for a bunch of grown men running around trying to impress other grown men. When I (my parents) paid for our cable to include the NFL Network, I did not envision having to watch the desk toss to Steve "Thank you Brett Favre and Steve Young for my career" Mariucci for live updates on a 40-yard dash. NFL.com actually describes the combine as an "annual job fair." I've been to job fairs. I never had to complete a shuttle run. Then again, I still don't have a job, so maybe I should have.

2. Spring Training: There's nothing like knowing that a bunch of unathletic white guys are being paid millions to go to Florida and Arizona, work for two hours, golf for four hours and drink for 24 hours. And somehow the majority of them still do not know how to run from the mound to cover first base. Go figure.

3. The aforementioned Pro Bowl: Oh the Pro Bowl. Remember that time in the 1995 Pro Bowl when...uh...wait...I've never actually watched a Pro Bowl in its entirety. I think I watched some guy from Connecticut hit a halftime field goal for money once. Or maybe he missed it, I really don't know. Reaching far back in to my memory bank (centralized, of course), I recall crying in the first grade when I realized I had missed the previous night's Pro Bowl. By the next year I had grown smart enough to realize that the Pro Bowl was like my school's cursive writing curriculum-- it's completely irrelevant, and has no contribution to society. And yes still I hold a grudge because of Robert Edwards.

4. Signing Day: Oh my! Which school will the 57th-rated defensive back choose to receive his all-expense paid trip to la-la land from?! Now we've even got live coverage of such decisions. Although I am against such publicity for 17-year-olds, I did like this young man's way to make a decision. In fact, it appears it's how George W. Bush made the majority of his.

5. The NBA All-Star Game: Yes, I went there. I will say that I have become a bigger fan of the NBA now that it's become the only sport not linked to steroids in a big way (yet). It's got plenty of good characters and there is a nice balance of power among league teams, yet still, it's winter classic doesn't do it for me. The dunk contest is great and the pre-game intros are hilarious. There's just one problem. The NBA All-Star Game lacks one aspect of basketball that I'm pretty sure Dr. James Naismith had in mind -- defense.

6. Bracketology: Apparently ESPN, in another attempt to take over the world, has created a new form of science. So until the games are actually played, we must hear about the bracket busters, the on the bubbles, the longshots, one seeds, two seeds, three seeds, four seeds, must-wins, RPI, key losses, etc. They've even got us believing that a 12-seed over a four-seed is more likely than your next paycheck. Then again, in these times, they might be right.

To Tell The Truth

My mother would often tell me not to lie.

So I would do something wrong, get caught, come out with a half-truth, and call it even.

I recently found the transcript of a lie I told my mother many years ago. I looked it over, and it looks a lot like Mr. Alex Rodriguez's current plight. Mr. Rod, I encourage you to take a look at this dialogue. Maybe you'll realize it's important to tell the whole truth.

Enter my mother (MM). After working all day just to feed me, she has returned home to find out that I may or may not have eaten the entire box of frosted animal crackers that she bought.

MM: Did you eat all of the animal crackers?

Me: No! I would never do that! I'm confident in my ability to climb the playscape faster than everyone else without the assistance of a box of sugar-coated wafers.

MM: So you're sure, you didn't eat the animal crackers?

Me: *Looking her straight in the face* Nope, not at all.

MM: So why were you so hyper from 3 p.m. to 5 p.m.? What could possibly explain that?

Me: I'm not sure. I mean, I was feeling pretty good from 3 p.m. to 5 p.m. I guess I was in the prime of my day.

MM: OK. Well the thing is, I know your brother and sister have eaten an entire box of frosted animal crackers before. I would be mad, but would certainly understand why you would do it too.

Me: Like I said, I'm pretty confident in my abilities, as a superior sibling when it comes to the playscape. Why would I even need to eat an entire box of frosted animal crackers?

*Dad enters kitchen home from work. Tells my mom he knows for a fact I ate the entire box of frosted animal crackers. I'm pretty upset now. My dad was supposed to keep it a secret!*

MM: So you DID eat the frosted animal crackers!

Me: Yeah I did, but it was only once I swear! It was a stupid mistake! I'm so young!

MM: Why did you lie to me?!

Me: Mom, I convinced myself I hadn't eaten the frosted animal crackers! How am I supposed to tell you the truth, If I'm not truthful to myself?!

MM: Who gave you such an idea?!

Me: Well, my cousin said it would be a good idea. We took the box of frosted animal crackers off the counter, and he showed me how to bite all of the legs off first. Looking back, we had no idea how to properly eat them.

MM: Your cousin is 5!

Me: I'd rather not get in to my cousin, mom. And also, my brother and sister at entire boxes of frosted animal crackers! I had to keep up with their intense sugar highs if I wanted to be able to climb the playscape as fast as they were!

MM: So if you said you didn't NEED the crackers, why did you eat them?

Me: *Pause. Long Pause. Head turn. Mouth quiver. Eye watering. Lip bite.* Good question. MM: You know, this is going to make me reconsider letting you in to the museum next week.

Me: No! Not that! Anything but that! That's what I've wanted my whole life! I'll do anything to get in to that museum!

MM: Anything huh? Like eating an entire box of frosted animal crackers?

Nick's Six: Reasons To Watch Super Bowl XLIII

There have been a lot of nay-sayers (does anyone actually say 'nay'?) surrounding this year's Super Bowl between the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Arizona Cardinals. I'll admit, it's not the dreamiest match up, but this year's game has some compelling aspects. And no, I'm not talking about Ken Wisenhunt's revenge, the emergence of Larry "Unlike Anquan Boldin, I will not throw a" Fitzgerald, or a battle between long-time franchises. Here are six REAL reasons to watch this game.

1. Cardinals fans: Until about a week ago, I had no idea that people actually rooted for the Arizona/Phoenix/St. Louis/Chicago/Racine Cardinals. I will be interested to see how these people will react to things like: a big game, potential rain, and people from Pennsylvania without a trace of a tan. It sort of reminds me of a guy I met last September, who is probably having a good chuckle at my expense.

You may have had the last laugh, Random Rays Guy, but we have John Smoltz now, so watch yourself.

2. NBC has the game: This means no Joe Buck. This means no Tony Siragusa. This means no Howie, Terry and Jimmy. This means no robot football player during timeouts. This means telestration by John Madden. This means actual comprehensive coverage from the studio with Costas, Collinsworth, and Dan Patrick. Unfortunately, this also means Keith Olbermann.

3. Sans Manning: I already consider this Superbowl a success, as it is physically impossible for the member of the Manning family to win it.

Disclaimer: I should note that the previous picture was not of the Manning family I was speaking about. But it: A. was what I found when I googled 'Manning brothers'; B. is hilarious; C. sums up how I feel about the actual Manning brothers.

4. Tampa: No, this is not in reference to Tampa's beautiful beaches, gorgeous views, or place in UConn basketball history. This is in reference to Tampa's apparent bevy of strip clubs. Using a Pacman Jones joke would be too easy here. My favorite excerpt:

"local lawmakers passed an anti-lap-dance ordinance before the last Super Bowl here in 2001, making it a misdemeanor offense for dancers to come within six feet of patrons."

Hi my name is Ben Roethlisberger, how much for an air dance?

5. Bruce Springsteen: The Bossman is providing the halftime entertainment. For Kurt Warner, I suggest "Countin' On A Miracle," and, "I'm Goin' Down."

6. Senor Bean: Check out the television listings for Sunday night. Unless you're in to reruns of The Drew Carey Show (Cleveland SUCKS by the way), or Teen Cribs...you'll probably want to stick with the game. Although Mr. Bean on Telemundo will probably be on my recall button.